Working with Grief
Grief is not depression; a griever is not depressed. Depression comes from not being able to grieve. - Martin Prechtel
In our modern world with so many cultural and environmental challenges, loss and grief are a common part of our shared human experience. Working with grief is unfortunately, a forgotten practice in our society, but has been an integral part of human communities for thousands of years. I work with individuals and groups, to create space for grief to be welcomed, felt and honored. Often grief is a threshold for deeper connection with self and others. This is a healing practice.
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Why Choose to Grieve?
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” - Khalil Gibran
Francis Weller writes, "Grief has always been communal, always been shared and consequently has traditionally been regarded as a sacred process. Too often in modern times our grief becomes private, carrying an invisible mantle of shame forcing our sorrow underground, hidden from the eyes that would offer healing. We must restore the conversation we need to have concerning the place of grief in our lives. Each of us must undertake an apprenticeship with loss."
Many of us living in these times do not have access to a healthy communal space to express grief and sorrow. As men, we are often taught that grief is something to be done only in extreme circumstances, and if grief is expressed, it should be done quickly and privately. This conditioning and pathologizing leads most of us to carry the burden of unprocessed and unwitnessed grief throughout our lives.
When we choose to grieve we choose to acknowledge and embody all of life. When we do not allow grief to move through us or when we deny community support with our grief, we are often left feeling heavy-hearted and alone. This can often lead to numbing the grief with distraction, addiction, or isolation. Numbing from the sorrows of being human also numbs us from the deep joy, wonder, and beauty that life has to offer. When we choose to grieve we choose to feel both the joy and sorrow of life. And when we choose to grieve in community we choose to honor this shared connection that each of us hold and carry. We choose to not be alone. We choose to belong. We choose to live fully.
"In many traditional cultures throughout the world, the wholesome expression of grief arising from life’s inevitable sorrows and losses was known to be most effectively released in a communal setting. It was recognized that unexpressed grief could be toxic, leading to illness, depression, addiction, even damaging and violent behavior towards oneself or others. It also was known that through supporting one another, welcoming the many faces and forms of grieving, holding compassionate witness in a sacred ritual container, that a people could reweave the bonds of connection and belonging." (Laurence Cole)
What Do We Grieve?
"It is a terrible source of grief in itself not to be able to grieve.” - Martin PrechtelThe grief we carry can show up in many different ways, often we find ourselves experiencing various forms of grief throughout our days and lives. Francis Weller in his book "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" writes about the 5 Gates of Grief:
The 5 Gates of Grief
First Gate: Everything we love we will lose.
● Losing someone or something we love
● Loss of those who depart this Earth before us; our parents, spouse, children, siblings, friends
● Loss of home, beloved animals, places you have loved
● Loss from illness or injury; treasured skills and capacities
● Loss of a life dream
Second Gate: The Places that have not known love
● Places in ourselves never touched by love
● Places wrapped in shame and banished
● Places lived outside of compassion, warmth and welcome
● Parts that we hate in ourselves and hold in contempt and that we deny the healing power of community
● Outcast portions of our soul appearing as addictions, depression, anxiety and other symptoms calling for our attention.
Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
● The losses of the world around us
● Daily diminishment of species, habitats and cultures
● Sorrow for the Earth (not personal but shared and communal)
Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive
Things we may never realize we have lost, because we weren’t born into a village with full joyous welcome of our gifts
And so we carry:
● Unconscious disappointment
● Feelings of loneliness and aloneness
● Diminished experience of who we truly are
At the core of this grief is our longing to belong and longing to be longed for.
Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
Unacknowledged and untended sorrow of those who came before us:
● Lost connection to land, language, imagination, rituals, songs, stories of their/our ancestors
● Sense of homelessness, orphaned between old and new worlds
● Experience of woundedness, loss and abandonment, where grief and shame are intermingled, residing in the psychic history of our lineage
● Collective soul grief of abuses of millions
From the work of Francis Weller in his book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”
Many of us living in these times do not have access to a healthy communal space to express grief and sorrow. As men, we are often taught that grief is something to be done only in extreme circumstances, and if grief is expressed, it should be done quickly and privately. This conditioning and pathologizing leads most of us to carry the burden of unprocessed and unwitnessed grief throughout our lives.
When we choose to grieve we choose to acknowledge and embody all of life. When we do not allow grief to move through us or when we deny community support with our grief, we are often left feeling heavy-hearted and alone. This can often lead to numbing the grief with distraction, addiction, or isolation. Numbing from the sorrows of being human also numbs us from the deep joy, wonder, and beauty that life has to offer. When we choose to grieve we choose to feel both the joy and sorrow of life. And when we choose to grieve in community we choose to honor this shared connection that each of us hold and carry. We choose to not be alone. We choose to belong. We choose to live fully.
"In many traditional cultures throughout the world, the wholesome expression of grief arising from life’s inevitable sorrows and losses was known to be most effectively released in a communal setting. It was recognized that unexpressed grief could be toxic, leading to illness, depression, addiction, even damaging and violent behavior towards oneself or others. It also was known that through supporting one another, welcoming the many faces and forms of grieving, holding compassionate witness in a sacred ritual container, that a people could reweave the bonds of connection and belonging." (Laurence Cole)
What Do We Grieve?
"It is a terrible source of grief in itself not to be able to grieve.” - Martin PrechtelThe grief we carry can show up in many different ways, often we find ourselves experiencing various forms of grief throughout our days and lives. Francis Weller in his book "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" writes about the 5 Gates of Grief:
The 5 Gates of Grief
First Gate: Everything we love we will lose.
● Losing someone or something we love
● Loss of those who depart this Earth before us; our parents, spouse, children, siblings, friends
● Loss of home, beloved animals, places you have loved
● Loss from illness or injury; treasured skills and capacities
● Loss of a life dream
Second Gate: The Places that have not known love
● Places in ourselves never touched by love
● Places wrapped in shame and banished
● Places lived outside of compassion, warmth and welcome
● Parts that we hate in ourselves and hold in contempt and that we deny the healing power of community
● Outcast portions of our soul appearing as addictions, depression, anxiety and other symptoms calling for our attention.
Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
● The losses of the world around us
● Daily diminishment of species, habitats and cultures
● Sorrow for the Earth (not personal but shared and communal)
Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive
Things we may never realize we have lost, because we weren’t born into a village with full joyous welcome of our gifts
And so we carry:
● Unconscious disappointment
● Feelings of loneliness and aloneness
● Diminished experience of who we truly are
At the core of this grief is our longing to belong and longing to be longed for.
Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
Unacknowledged and untended sorrow of those who came before us:
● Lost connection to land, language, imagination, rituals, songs, stories of their/our ancestors
● Sense of homelessness, orphaned between old and new worlds
● Experience of woundedness, loss and abandonment, where grief and shame are intermingled, residing in the psychic history of our lineage
● Collective soul grief of abuses of millions
From the work of Francis Weller in his book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”