Men's Grief Ritual & Retreat
Northern California
Spring Dates Coming Soon
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Why Choose to Grieve?
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” - Khalil Gibran
Francis Weller writes, "Grief has always been communal, always been shared and consequently has traditionally been regarded as a sacred process. Too often in modern times our grief becomes private, carrying an invisible mantle of shame forcing our sorrow underground, hidden from the eyes that would offer healing. We must restore the conversation we need to have concerning the place of grief in our lives. Each of us must undertake an apprenticeship with loss."
Many of us living in these times do not have access to a healthy communal space to express grief and sorrow. As men, we are often taught that grief is something to be done only in extreme circumstances, and if grief is expressed, it should be done quickly and privately. This conditioning and pathologizing leads most of us to carry the burden of unprocessed and unwitnessed grief throughout our lives.
When we choose to grieve we choose to acknowledge and embody all of life. When we do not allow grief to move through us or when we deny community support with our grief, we are often left feeling heavy-hearted and alone. This can often lead to numbing the grief with distraction, addiction, or isolation. Numbing from the sorrows of being human also numbs us from the deep joy, wonder, and beauty that life has to offer. When we choose to grieve we choose to feel both the joy and sorrow of life. And when we choose to grieve in community we choose to honor this shared connection that each of us hold and carry. We choose to not be alone. We choose to belong. We choose to live fully.
"In many traditional cultures throughout the world, the wholesome expression of grief arising from life’s inevitable sorrows and losses was known to be most effectively released in a communal setting. It was recognized that unexpressed grief could be toxic, leading to illness, depression, addiction, even damaging and violent behavior towards oneself or others. It also was known that through supporting one another, welcoming the many faces and forms of grieving, holding compassionate witness in a sacred ritual container, that a people could reweave the bonds of connection and belonging." (Laurence Cole)
When we choose to grieve we choose to acknowledge and embody all of life. When we do not allow grief to move through us or when we deny community support with our grief, we are often left feeling heavy-hearted and alone. This can often lead to numbing the grief with distraction, addiction, or isolation. Numbing from the sorrows of being human also numbs us from the deep joy, wonder, and beauty that life has to offer. When we choose to grieve we choose to feel both the joy and sorrow of life. And when we choose to grieve in community we choose to honor this shared connection that each of us hold and carry. We choose to not be alone. We choose to belong. We choose to live fully.
"In many traditional cultures throughout the world, the wholesome expression of grief arising from life’s inevitable sorrows and losses was known to be most effectively released in a communal setting. It was recognized that unexpressed grief could be toxic, leading to illness, depression, addiction, even damaging and violent behavior towards oneself or others. It also was known that through supporting one another, welcoming the many faces and forms of grieving, holding compassionate witness in a sacred ritual container, that a people could reweave the bonds of connection and belonging." (Laurence Cole)
What Do We Grieve?
"It is a terrible source of grief in itself not to be able to grieve.” - Martin Prechtel
The grief we carry can show up in many different ways, often we find ourselves experiencing various forms of grief throughout our days and lives. Francis Weller in his book "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" writes about the 5 Gates of Grief:
The 5 Gates of Grief
First Gate: Everything we love we will lose.
● Losing someone or something we love
● Loss of those who depart this Earth before us; our parents, spouse, children, siblings, friends
● Loss of home, beloved animals, places you have loved
● Loss from illness or injury; treasured skills and capacities
● Loss of a life dream
Second Gate: The Places that have not known love
● Places in ourselves never touched by love
● Places wrapped in shame and banished
● Places lived outside of compassion, warmth and welcome
● Parts that we hate in ourselves and hold in contempt and that we deny the healing power of community
● Outcast portions of our soul appearing as addictions, depression, anxiety and other symptoms calling for our attention.
Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
● The losses of the world around us
● Daily diminishment of species, habitats and cultures
● Sorrow for the Earth (not personal but shared and communal)
Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive
Things we may never realize we have lost, because we weren’t born into a village with full joyous welcome of our gifts
And so we carry:
● Unconscious disappointment
● Feelings of loneliness and aloneness
● Diminished experience of who we truly are
At the core of this grief is our longing to belong and longing to be longed for.
Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
Unacknowledged and untended sorrow of those who came before us:
● Lost connection to land, language, imagination, rituals, songs, stories of their/our ancestors
● Sense of homelessness, orphaned between old and new worlds
● Experience of woundedness, loss and abandonment, where grief and shame are intermingled, residing in the psychic history of our lineage
● Collective soul grief of abuses of millions
From the work of Francis Weller in his book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”
The 5 Gates of Grief
First Gate: Everything we love we will lose.
● Losing someone or something we love
● Loss of those who depart this Earth before us; our parents, spouse, children, siblings, friends
● Loss of home, beloved animals, places you have loved
● Loss from illness or injury; treasured skills and capacities
● Loss of a life dream
Second Gate: The Places that have not known love
● Places in ourselves never touched by love
● Places wrapped in shame and banished
● Places lived outside of compassion, warmth and welcome
● Parts that we hate in ourselves and hold in contempt and that we deny the healing power of community
● Outcast portions of our soul appearing as addictions, depression, anxiety and other symptoms calling for our attention.
Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
● The losses of the world around us
● Daily diminishment of species, habitats and cultures
● Sorrow for the Earth (not personal but shared and communal)
Fourth Gate: What we expected and did not receive
Things we may never realize we have lost, because we weren’t born into a village with full joyous welcome of our gifts
And so we carry:
● Unconscious disappointment
● Feelings of loneliness and aloneness
● Diminished experience of who we truly are
At the core of this grief is our longing to belong and longing to be longed for.
Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
Unacknowledged and untended sorrow of those who came before us:
● Lost connection to land, language, imagination, rituals, songs, stories of their/our ancestors
● Sense of homelessness, orphaned between old and new worlds
● Experience of woundedness, loss and abandonment, where grief and shame are intermingled, residing in the psychic history of our lineage
● Collective soul grief of abuses of millions
From the work of Francis Weller in his book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”
What Will We Do During the Men's Grief Retreat?
In our time together we will share, witness, and honor our shared grief and our shared joy of being alive. You will be invited to speak and listen from the heart. You will have time to connect to the natural world, with other men, and with your self. We will share in simple rituals that honor the fullness and wholeness of life.
This gathering is about sharing what is true for you, whether that is tears or anger, numbness or fear. This gathering calls in authenticity and connection. There is no expectation that you express your grief in any specific way. We are not here to fix you or process you. We are hear to listen and express gratitude for your willingness to share your feelings and experience. This is not a solemn or morbid event, this is a life affirming event. All of you is welcome.
This gathering is about sharing what is true for you, whether that is tears or anger, numbness or fear. This gathering calls in authenticity and connection. There is no expectation that you express your grief in any specific way. We are not here to fix you or process you. We are hear to listen and express gratitude for your willingness to share your feelings and experience. This is not a solemn or morbid event, this is a life affirming event. All of you is welcome.
Who Are The Grief Retreat Guides?
Joshua Lowe is a licensed therapist (LMFT #105893 ), public educator, musician, and nature-oriented rites of passage and grief ceremony guide. He brings 20+ years experience supporting others in transformational journeying and has supported teens and adults in various communities including high school, men’s groups, nature, prisons, and in the therapy office.
Joshua has been mentored in leading grief rituals by Therese Charvet and Laurence Cole who are carriers of the grief rituals taught by Sobonfu Some and Malidoma Some.
Joshua brings a deep reverence for the power of grief ritual as a healing force and is humbled by the opportunity to support others in deepening their relationship to self and community through honoring and expressing grief and joy.
Terry Wilson is a father, grandfather, small business owner and master facilitator of transformational healing. Terry brings over 25 years of experience supporting various communities in healing work. He has held leadership roles in numerous non-profit organizations, including The ManKind Project and supporting incarcerated men through the Inside Circle Foundation in Folsom Prison. Currently, Terry is the board chairman for The Center for Violence Free Relationships in Placerville, CA and facilitates weekly men’s and women’s batterers intervention programs called Positive Solutions at the center, which he co-created.
When speaking on the healing process, Terry says, "It all comes down to grief." Terry is honored to offer his heart and wisdom for this grief ritual and retreat.
When speaking on the healing process, Terry says, "It all comes down to grief." Terry is honored to offer his heart and wisdom for this grief ritual and retreat.
August Materazzi has been involved in men's work since 2005, and has assisted many grief rituals in the Santa Cruz area, where he currently lives. August enjoys playing music, acting in Santa Cruz' thriving theater scene, frequent nature excursions, and exploring expanded consciousness. August is looking forward to welcoming your presence and offerings to this powerful weekend!
For nearly 20-years Eric has embodied service oriented vocations or hobbies. He loves co-creating events intertwining music, art, technology, and spirituality. Eric feels humbled to learn from Joshua Lowe and his mentors in tending Grief Rituals. His intention is to offer compassionate care and authentic courage while stewarding the land and spiritual space. Eric looks forward to meeting you and sharing time together.
Grief Retreat Details & Payment
- Space is limited to 25 men
- This is an outdoor gathering, with space for car and tent camping on site. For those who do not want to camp, there are lodging accommodations approximately 15 minutes away.
- We will be gathering on private land in the foothills outside of Sacramento (You will be given directions and more details on the weekend once you have been registered and sent payment)
- Cost for the Retreat is $400 with a $100 discount for those who have joined us in previous grief retreats.
We also have limited space for those seeking financial assistance. Please reach out to me directly if you are in need of financial support.
Refund Policy: We have a partial refund policy. This policy helps to hold us all accountable and creates some protection for us as facilitators and organizers. If you need to cancel for any reason, we will refund half of your payment up to the last week. In the 7 days leading up to the retreat our attention shifts away from managerial tasks and screen time to prepping for our in person time. If you cancel in the last 7 days before the retreat there will be no refund.
In order to officially register for the retreat, please fill out the google registration form and pay the full amount.
Please send the registration fee via Venmo or PayPal
Venmo @Joshua-Lowe-22 (last 4 digits of phone# 1287)
Paypal Joshua Lowe@joshualowe1393
Recommended Resources
Recommended Readings
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
Embracing Grief by Sobonfu Some
The Smell of Rain on Dust by Martin Prechtel
Ritual: Power, Healing and Community by Malidoma Some
Soul Craft by Bill Plotkin
The Way of Council by Gigi Coyle & Jack Zimmerman
The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller
Embracing Grief by Sobonfu Some
The Smell of Rain on Dust by Martin Prechtel
Ritual: Power, Healing and Community by Malidoma Some
Soul Craft by Bill Plotkin
The Way of Council by Gigi Coyle & Jack Zimmerman
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